the tapas vs. meat & potatoes analogy

me: i have this analogy about the differences between sex with women and sex with men.

as in women having sex with each other and women having sex with men.

and the dude across the hall just got home, so i'm wondering if they'll go for a second round here in a few.

11:28 PM he seems to favor afternoon romps.

friend: I am waiting in anticipation

me: waiting in anticipation for my neighbor to get it on, or for my analogy?

friend: your analogy

me: lol

11:29 PM so, you are a woman of the world.

do you know what tapas are?

spanish tapas?

friend: no

me: okay. so we'll have to go to a tapas restaurant sometime.

11:30 PM tapas are like appetizers - very good, very amazing appetizers.

but you make a meal out of them by having a lot of them, and by sharing.

so, like there's a tapas place in iowa city...

11:31 PM and they serve bacon wrapped dates.

which are fucking amazing. omg. so good.

and a chicken salad with pears.

and a smoked salmon plate.

so you go with friends, and you order a few of these, and you share them.

11:32 PM sex with women is like going to a tapas restaurant.

so many choices.

all of them very good.

but you can't just have one...and you can't have too much of one.

you can only eat so many bacon wrapped dates, and only so much smoked salmon.

11:33 PM but one of them might be more of an appetizer one day, one of them might be more like dessert, and one might be more of a main course.

but you can mix it up.

11:34 PM sex with men is like meat and potatoes. you might have a different vegetable...maybe broccoli one night, or a salad the next, or carrots, or green beans, but ultimately, you're getting meat and potatoes. sometimes the potato is baked, sometimes the meat is chicken, other times it's steak, but still...the same basic formula.

not much imagination or exploration.

ta da

the rules, 1-25.

[sorry for the inconsistent formatting. it drives me crazy too, but i don't have the patience to go back and fix it right now.]

this is a work in progress, subject to new insights and edits.

certainly, many of these rules were developed within or with regard to my previous romantic relationships, but most all of them have platonic applications as well. and 1 is for my peeps, all of 'em. you know who you are.

"the rules" according to lester (or really, just a compilation of lessons others have learned long before me)

1. NO dying. no car accidents. no terminal illnesses. no terrorist attacks in your general vicinity/location ( i.e. airports, planes, trains, or you know, at work or school.) no suicides or murders, or being held hostage or any of the other terrible (and morbid) circumstances that sometimes/often result in being harmed/maimed/killed.

now you may argue, as many have, that you only have control over so much. but it's like how i have a parking goddess. i believe in her and 99% of the time, she finds me a parking spot. your job as my friend/family member is to will these things to not happen to you.

got it? good.

moving on...

2. & 3. on fights, "breaking up"... (and this is where we delve into more romantic relationship-py stuff)

no threatening to break up or breaking up in the middle of a fight/argument. threats of breaking up - or outright breaking up - in the middle of a fight triggers emotions and knocks things up to crisis level. it's difficult to rebuild that trust and security when someone feels like the rug was pulled out from underneath them during an argument. so, if a fight/argument ensues (and they always do, and i try to view them as opportunities to grow and become closer...oh, and make-up sex is usually pretty fantastic. ha.), it's understood that "we" were a couple when the fight started, and we'll be a couple when the fight is over.

what this looks like/means: before i started dating one of my ex-gfs, i addressed this with her. she said it would be hard, since that wasn't how she had interacted before...and i said, well, if you threaten to break up with me, you've in essence broken up with me, so consider that. the relationship was turbulent at times, because she had a habit of treating me like shit, particularly in front of other people. whenever i got angry and confronted her about her behavior, i honored the rule - i never threatened to break up. when the time came that i was just *done* with her behavior, and i broke up with her in a calm, collected manner, she was shocked. said she had no idea i felt that things were bad enough to warrant breaking up, basically because i hadn't threatened to break up with her when i confronted her about how she treated me.

other issues related to breaking up:

if i'm going to break up with you, i will do so in an explicit, calm, collected manner, and i expect the same in return. this is important because i once had the experience of my behavior during a fight being construed as breaking up/threatening to break up (and understandably so, since i wasn't explicit about being explicit), but i think "we" owe it to each other to have a respectful conversation when breaking up. that's not to say things won't get heated, or emotional, or passionate, etc., but the conversation needs to be initiated in a calm way.

no going back and forth - breaking up/getting back together. i've done it. won't do it again. if you say it's over, then it's over. if i say it's over, then it's over.

and for chrissake, no breaking up on a trip, in a car, on a plane, etc. do it before, do it after, cancel the trip, whatever you have to do...just don't break up with someone on a trip. it's the worst thing in the world to be trapped in a car with someone for 17 hours when she just told you she cheated on you and doesn't want to be with you anymore because she needs to be alone. in fact, i have a pact with a few friends on this - if ever you or i are dumped on a trip, we can ask to be dropped off at the nearest whatever and trust that with the help of friends, we'll make it home.

4. knowing what you need and asking for it directly. the example i use involves three little words. if you need to hear that you are loved, then saying, "i love you" with the hopes of your gf/partner saying "i love you too," is manipulative. i've had and witnessed this problem. i've had someone do that to me, and my gut response is, "i'm not your fucking puppet," and often time it kills my desire to say it back. and when i don't, then my gf has been hurt/pissed, felt rejected, feels even MORE insecure. but why? like, if you need me to tell you that i love you, then just ask me to say it. don't try to manipulate me into telling you i love you. AND i don't want you telling me you love me for that purpose. it makes me feel used. so i tell people - i will never say things i don't feel, and i don't throw around the word "love." if i say i love you, it's because i am feeling it in that moment - it's not because i want you to say it back to me. i only want you to say it back to me if/when you feel it. BUT there may be times when i'm feeling insecure, or you're feeling insecure, in which case, i need it to be okay that i share my insecurity with you - i'm feeling shitty about myself right now, and it would really help me to hear you say that you love me. yes, it's more vulnerable than hoping for the scripted response "i love you too" - but the scripted response doesn't feel genuine anyway, and the whole interaction feels dishonest.

5. it is imperative to have an understanding of how each of you and the other operates when angry/hurt, etc., and making agreements about such things from the beginning. for instance, i know that when i am angry, i will often times need to disengage, go away, calm down. i will need space. and that need absolutely must be honored, or i will say something/do something i will regret. i need space to process, to vent to someone else perhaps, to purge the irrational emotional response so that i can come back to the the table and be clear about the real issues, as opposed to what i *feel* are the issues in the heat of the moment. two different things. so, if i leave during an argument, let me go, but just know that i *will* come back to the table.

[edited to say that in a conversation with a pal, it was suggested that my way of dealing with anger is a form of withholding - since i'm denying the other person the opportunity to see my true, honest, gut reaction in the moment. like, i'm not being human or risking fucking up. i've thought a lot about that, and think my pal is probably right. i'm still figuring out how to integrate this new perspective into my relationships.]

6. there are limits to what can be said and done in the heat of the moment, separate from "no breaking up." i will not tolerate unnecessary cruelty or disrespect - and that includes name calling. like, it will NOT be okay if you call me a bitch. there are also limits to how one can act. one of my ex gfs was abused as a kid, and she threatened to hit me during an argument. things shifted to another level, and i explained to her if she ever so much as laid a finger on me, it would be over. and she couldn't threaten me that way again. well, then she thought that banging on a table or punching a wall would be an acceptable, uhhh, "alternative" channel of her physical energy during an argument. again, no, because she scared me and i was not okay with the possible harm she would cause herself, or if not herself, the furniture, wall whatever.

this also has applications to friendships. there are things you cannot say or do, and still expect to be friends. i've had it happen that really close friends have said something that is so outrageous that it shattered the trust which was the basis of the bond i had with them, and that killed my desire to even attempt to rebuild trust. like, there's a little thing called consequences. and self-control.

7. know thyself. reflect on and know your own motivations for doing/saying things. take responsibility for alla that. be direct about what you mean, what you need. mean what you say when you say it...and don't say shit you may not mean the next day. as in, don't verbalize fleeting thoughts/feelings. we can talk about the three little words again, or we could talk about off-hand comments about living together in the future (which communicates a willingness, a desire to be with someone for some time to come - which doesn't jibe with dumping someone 3 days later)...or we could talk about someone insisting that they can handle "friends with benefits," basically demanding that sort of relationship, and then being pissed when you aren't interested in being with them forever, when you were clear from the get-go that you weren't interested in being together.

as for the three little words, i make myself wait to say them until i'm absolutely fucking sure i feel it. certainly, there are intensely passionate and emotional moments where it would feel totally natural to say it, but i don't...because i don't trust my own sense of things in that moment. i need to experience the urge in other less-intense, less-passionate moments on multiple occasions before i will allow myself to verbalize it. i expect that same sort of consideration in return - don't say shit you aren't sure you feel. if there is any doubt about truthfulness when it comes to these matters, i think a relationship will be plagued with distrust.

8. don't ask questions when you aren't prepared for honest answers to those questions. i.e. if you have to ask, "am i the best sex you've ever had?" chances are, you aren't. or i would have told you already. and don't be a dick when i answer your ridiculous questions honestly.

9. don't fake it. ever. you know what i'm talking about.

10. actions speak louder than words. always. some people have the ability to say all sorts of shit you wanna hear, but their actions aren't consistent with what they say. how someone acts is far more important than what they say.

11. Communicate. Tell each other what's going on. Don't bring up stuff you're not willing to discuss. Build a relationship based on mutually expressed emotional intimacy and respect for yourself and each other. Physical intimacy and/or dependence can't sustain a healthy relationship.

12. Have fights but fight fair and respectfully, and be sure to resolve the issues to both of your satisfaction with the understanding that it will be done with and left there. Don't use past mistakes (since addressed and resolved) as weapons in a current/future fights. Take responsibility for what's yours and apologize. Forgive each other. Move on.

13. Don't fight in front of others. Don't bicker in front of others. Don't snipe at each other in front of others. This is a cultural thing, and some people say we have unrealistic expectations of relationships because people don't fight or bicker out in the open. I agree that midwestern culture (in particular) is all about putting on appearances and maintaining a certain image, but I think there is a more honest way of challenging that unrealistic ideal, without making others uncomfortable. Acknowledge that relationships are not always easy, that disagreements happen. Easy.

14. This should go without saying, but for chrissakes, don't cheat. And don't get involved with someone who is cheating on someone else. How will you ever trust them to not cheat on you?

Oh, and if you're in a relationship, meet someone else and want to pursue that instead, then be honest when you're breaking up. It's a step shy of cheating, and just as painful to the other person to be left for someone else, so just own up to being the asshole...and spare them all the "it's not you, it's me" bs. Also and again, why get involved with someone who is leaving a relationship for you? How will you ever feel secure?

and OH.MY.GOD. IF you are the asshole who breaks up with someone for someone else, FOR GOD'S SAKE, there is NO NEED to rub it in someone's face. Don't approach your ex at a public event holding hands with the person for whom you dumped your ex. Don't show up at your ex's workplace all cuddly and snuggly with your new flame, who you met just weeks before dumping your long term girlfriend.

15. Avoid, at all costs, saying things like, "you never this..." or "you always that..."

16. Have your own friends, social circle, activities, hobbies and support network. Maintain your own separate identity and relationships outside of coupledom.

17. Ask yourself a series of questions at regular intervals. "Do I like myself within this relationship?" "Do I feel wanted?" "Do I feel safe within this relationship?" "Do I respect my girlfriend?" "Do I trust my girlfriend?" "Do I feel like she trusts and respects me?" "Do I feel understood?" "Do I feel heard?" "Am I growing in this relationship?" "Do I feel sufficiently challenged and inspired to become a better me?" Be honest in your answers, and address the issues that arise.

18. Develop the ability to self-soothe. Know how to take care of yourself, and do it.

19. Treat those you love best.

20. If someone says, "you deserve better," or "i'm not good enough for you," believe them. It's either a case of someone who feels like shit about themselves and isn't capable or willing to step up to the plate and deal with those issues, or it's a case of "it's not you, it's me" bs.

21. Pay attention to how each of you interprets the world around you. Are your perspectives congruent? I witnessed this woman I was dating deal with a difficult situation with someone close to her...they were both very upset with each other, but I totally understood the perspective of and agreed with the other person. That was but a small example of the trouble to come, considering it turned out that I thought we were casually dating for 6 weeks and she thought we were "in a relationship" hard core.

22. Consistency. Be as consistent as possible. And if you're not consistent, fucking OWN that...as in, "I know I said this before, but things have changed and I don't feel that way anymore." If you jump all over the place without acknowledging you're doing it, you destroy trust. How does anyone know what you really mean, how you feel, if you say one thing one day, and something else the next, without acknowledging the gap? I mean, better yet, going back to the first batch of rules, don't say shit you don't mean. And what I mean by that is don't express fleeting thoughts and feelings. You could very well mean what you say in the moment, but if you won't mean it the next day, or the next week – or if it's major (the three little words, for instance) and you can't be sure you'll mean it for some time to come – keep your mouth shut.

23. Don't give voice to predictions far into the future early in a relationship. You can't know what's going to happen as people reveal themselves. Wait and see. In the same vein, don't make plans far out into the future during the honeymoon phase. Voiced predictions communicate a certain level of commitment, feeling and investment...and PRESSURE. We can hope...we always hope, right? But we can't know...and you can't take stuff like that back, without seeming disingenuous or dishonest.

24. Pay attention to emerging patterns early on in a relationship. Nip crappy ones in the bud.

25. Understand that all of the words that make up these rules are just that. Words. They mean nothing without a certain level of understanding and, in some cases, experience. They may sound good. They may make sense in theory on their face. But they don't mean a good goddamn if you don't have a clue what they look like or how they're applied.